Happy Birthday to Me!

The bookmark that Cynthia stuck in the Bible she gave me. The Bible is here with me, in pieces. The bookmark, too, has seen better days.
No, I'm not trying to get a second birthday. Gouge already beat me to that trick. I'm just celebrating my "REBirth-day." After a couple years of watching a group of strange high school kids act out their faith, countless hard questions and emotional conversations with a special girl, and reading through the dusty Bible I found in my house, I finally gave my life to Jesus on Dec. 2nd of 1999.

I was driving home from work on interstate 77 in Columbia, SC, just crossing under the Percival Rd. exit sign when the truth of my sin and Christ's redemptive work became real to me. I remember the first words that I really heard from God and the first words God really heard from me. I said, "I'll never get this life right. I can't do this." God said back, "No you can't. Just give it all over to me." The only response I could give was, "You're right. I give it all to you. I can't do this anymore. Not alone."

That's how it started.

Since then it's been a wild and beautiful ride. I've conquered sin and felt conquered by it. I've felt close to God and far from him. I've been a part of great things and been a part of active rebellion. Daily it's a struggle.

We're asked to believe so many contradictions. God chooses us and we choose God. Jesus was fully man and Jesus was fully God. I am a sinner and I am righteous. So many times I feel that one of these "opposites" is pulling me. I think about myself now and it's really easy to see myself as a sinner. There are a lot of times when it is really hard for me to see myself as righteous. In the same way, I hear almost everyday about how Jesus was just a man. And though it is true that he was a man, he wasn't JUST a man. And during this time of year, when my spiritual birthday comes around, I look back on my life and my story. And sometimes I can't draw a clear line between what I chose and what chose me.

But that's what gives me comfort. Knowing that the God I worship is far more wise than I am helps me trust in his perfect plan. I didn't know what that plan was on Dec. 1st, 1999, but I have been learning a little more everyday since. Looking back over my last eight years is a somber and exciting time. Success and failure. Victory and Defeat. Faithfulness and unfaithfulness. The only constant has been the love and grace of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

To him be the glory.