Overnighter

Tomorrow morning I have to wake up early to take a little overnight trip with the boss. First, let me say that my defintion of early has been rewritten to say, "Anything before 9:30 AM." We're leaving at 8:15, so for me, that's early. But anyway, I made a list of things to take, to make sure I didn't forget anything and I just had to laugh at myself. For an overnight trip "out east," I plan on packing six things. Three of these things I carry with me on a day to day basis, the other three are just for the trip. Bible, notebook, A Severe Mercy, camera, toothbrush, and toothpaste. I always carry my Bible and notebook and whatever book I'm reading at the moment. The camera and toiletries will be extra this time out. I love being me.

We'll be headed pretty far east, about a nine hour bus ride, so I will have plenty of time to read, pray, think, and talk to the boss. Some things I'd like to accomplish on this voyage: catch up a little on my "read through the Bible in a year" pledge (barely over a month into it and I'm already embarassingly behind), finish A Severe Mercy (Because I am totally in love with the book, you were right Allison, and I want to know hot it ends. I will probably reread it later, under different life circumstances.), learn some new Turkish words, and get a more detailed picture of what my boss sees my role being here. I include the last one because for the most part, I determine what I do on a day to day and week to week basis. I'd like to see what he was thinking when he requested someone to come, and how, now that he knows me a little, I fit or don't fit that picture. I think this will also involve me challenging him on doing more with me in a discipleship type role, both spiritually and vocationally, since I have a lot to learn about teaching English. I also hope this involves him pushing me a little, since I get the feeling lately that I am not as much as I could be. I intentionally left out the word "doing" that I'm sure most expected, because it's more than just me feeling like I am not performing well enough, but that I am not good enough. I know I am a sinner, and my experience Sunday reinforced any doubts I had of the completeness of that fact, but at the same time, I can be more. I know this sounds vague, but it is still very vague in my mind. I feel that I am on the brink of a time of personal growth and I'm excited to see what kind of direction I am taken.

And one last thought, one that has haunted me since my run in with myself Sunday, and which has been thrust into the light even more by this wonderful book Allison gave me. It is the longing of my heart to be loved and to love. I was talking with a dear friend of mine the other night and I just said what I was thinking, that there is a part of me that longs to be loved and longs to give love to someone else. I want someone who can speak truth into my life with a touch of grace. And someone who can, just as easily, pour grace into my life without compromising the truth. My friend's response was, "I do too. We have that person." Yes we do, and the sin that I became so apparent of Sunday keeps me from being with him like I should. I remember the words of CS Lewis, "If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world." I agree. This feeling that I have will no be satisfied by anything in this world, I am sure of it. And this other world is a place where I was supposed to, and one day shall , "fully know" to use Paul's words. This thing I feel is more than "loneliness," but that is the only word I can think of to describe it. I feel the seperation between myself and God. It is a result of the fall, and consequently, my own sin. I know that God will draw near to me, but even then, I will only see "dimly as in a mirror." I long for the day when I will "fully know as I have been known."